SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Men before we dive in, I've got something big to share with you. The wait list for the Evolve Men Brotherhood is now open. This is the space where men stop doing the work alone. Inside the Brotherhood, you'll connect weekly with other men committed to growth, leadership, and living with purpose. You'll get access to live calls, courses, and the community that keeps you accountable when life gets hard. Registration opens soon. Join the wait list now at Evolvmen Project.com/slash Brotherhood and be a part of the movement.

SPEAKER_01: 0:40

Today we're talking about one of the quietest traps that I see in good men everywhere, and that's the pressure to perform. So it's funny, most people think of performance as arrogance or ego. But for me, it looked like always needing to have it together. Right? A while back, I remember sitting in a coffee shop after a long stretch of coaching calls and sessions and whatnot. And someone I knew walked in and they asked me. They're like, hey man, what's up? You know, how have you been? How how you doing? And without a beat, like without even thinking about it, I I answered right with this like this polished answer of just like, good man, you know, I've been busy, just dialed in. And of course, like he smiled, nodded, and and walked along his way, right? And and as soon as he did, I I felt this hollow like echo in my chest. Because the truth was that I wasn't dialed in, right? I was tired, I was exhausted, I was disconnected, I was performing, right? And I I realized that I'd been on for months, maybe at that point, right? Not not fake necessarily, right? But just just trying to sound steady, to sound grounded and professional, even when no one was asking me to. And it wasn't that it was dishonesty, right? It was it was just this habit that I had that I was in, right? A a lifetime of trying to be valuable. And that's when it hit me, right? It wasn't it wasn't from being it wasn't from I wasn't tired from life necessarily. I was tired from performative, of always wearing these masks, right? In this sense of like having everything together. So, and that's what this conversation today is about, and that's releasing the pressure to prove yourself in every situation. Because when we live from when we live in this like constant on mode, we disconnect from our power, right? We we edit ourselves to match a version that we think that the world will respect. And slowly we drift away from the truth of who we actually are. And that that disconnection costs us presence and creativity and intimacy, right? It it makes every moment feel just like a few steps removed, like we're watching life happen instead of actually living it for ourselves. But when you drop the act, even just a little bit, something starts to shift. The the world feels closer. You your breath slows, you start to to inhabit your own skin again, right? And that's where real power lives. So most men that I coach aren't pretending, right? They're they're just trapped in this like this subtle performance, the need to always add value, to stay composed or to sound confident. And we we learn early that our worth is something that you earn, right? So we start performing for approval, teachers, parents, partners, friends, whoever it might be. And after years of doing it, it becomes invisible. You don't even realize that you're you're managing how you come across instead of being where you actually are. So in NLP, we'd call this living disassociated. And that's that's kind of like watching yourself from the outside rather than then feeling it and embodying it from the inside. It's like narrating your own life instead of actually living it. And the result of that is disconnection, it's hollowness, this low grade sense of being slightly off-center.

unknown: 4:46

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 4:47

And so you might ask yourself, like, why do we do it? So most of us don't, most of us were raised, right, with this internal rule book that we've been carrying around all of our lives to don't mess, don't be weak, be impressive. We learned that love or respect comes after performance, right? After we do these sort of things. But that kind of validation can't feed you for long, right? It it's like eating an applause, right? You you get the rush, but it fades fast. And deep down, you're still hungry for something real. And that's that's being seen without the act, without having to perform. So the the intimacy side of this is huge. When you're when you're always on, people can feel it, right? They they can't relax around you because you're you're not relaxed with yourself. And and the irony is is that we perform in order to be respected, right? But it's our authenticity that actually earns it. So how do we start to step out of this performance? And so you you start by first by noticing it, like with a lot of the things that we talk about, you first have to notice that it's even happening, right? Notice when you tense up, notice when your voice tightens, when you you reach for the perfect answer instead of an honest one. And that moment of awareness, that's the doorway back to presence, right? So take a breath, feel your feet on the ground, slow your words by 10%. That's it. Right? Because presence isn't a skill, it's a surrender, right? And and I know that a lot of people might be like, oh no, presence is definitely a skill. And and I want you to to kind of ask the question, right? Like, is it to the point that I was trying to make is that it's it's surrendering, right? It's coming back to your body, to your breath, to your truth. It's surrendering to the moment of just letting it be and letting things happen. So positive psychology would say that authenticity is what creates meaning, right? You can't feel fulfilled if you're busy managing perception. Fulfillment happens when who you are and how you show up finally match, when those two worlds come together. Real real power isn't loud, right? It's not even confident. Real power is calm. It's the the peace that people feel when they're around you because you're you're finally around yourself. So I want to ask you a couple of questions, right? Where where in your life do you feel the need to be on? Right? Who who do you relax around, right? And what changes in you when you when you do, right? Because these are the sort of people, you know, as we go back to talking about noticing when when it is that it happens, right? And noticing in the same sense, like who it is that you find yourself relaxed around. And and as we start to take an inventory of that, right, noticing what those triggers are. Like, what are the sort of things that in those situations and in those environments and in those people that that make me want to move towards being on, or on the opposite of that, that I find myself really being relaxed and really being present. And so what would happen if you if you stopped performing for a day, right? No polish, no posturing, just an actual present. And the thing is with that, is that at times there can be this fear or this worry that, man, you know, like my friends aren't gonna like me, you know, that if they really saw who I truly was, that if I didn't have it all together, I'd I'd be too much for everybody. And these are the stories that we want to start investigating and we want to start questioning as to how true that they really are. So the the next question is what version of you are you afraid won't be enough? Right. Because in every in every one of us, there's multiple parts and kind of personalities and traits and quirks and things like that. And and I find that often, right, when we are on, when we are having to perform for somebody, having to say the right thing or to do the right thing, that this there's a version of us that doesn't feel like we're enough to be able to tell that person exactly how it is that we're feeling in that moment, that we we have to put this mask on top of it in order for it to be okay. And so I'm curious for you to dig into that a little bit and ask yourself like what part of me is afraid that I won't be enough?

unknown: 10:20

Right.

SPEAKER_01: 10:21

And so, and that's the edge of your freedom there. That's where the real growth lives when you start to dig into that. So here's what I know now for myself is that you don't have to prove your power. You embody it when you're presence, right? You're you're not here to impress, you're here to express your authenticity and who it is that you are and your your liveliness, your boldness, your personality, right? And that's anything that it might be. Because the the man that you're becoming doesn't chase validation, he creates calm, he leads with presence, not perfection. He he speaks less, but he says more because it's real. People feel it. And every time that you drop the mask, you reclaim an energy that you didn't even know that you were losing. And that energy becomes confidence, not the kind that performs, right? But the kind that that radiates and emanates from your body outward towards the people that you surround yourself with. So today, I want you to just notice when you feel that urge to prove something, I want you to pause, to breathe, and to let it go. And just even if in that moment all you do is you notice it, right? And just let it go. And that's power. So if this hit home for you, if you're ready to drop the act and to lead from something deeper, I'd love to invite you into the Evolved Men Brotherhood. It's it's the community where this kind of work comes alive, right? Men learning to lead with honesty, building strength through presence, not performance. You can join the wait list at Evolvemenproject.comslash brotherhood. The doors are opening soon. And whether you ever join or not, right, remember this that every time that you choose presence over performance, you're already doing the work. So take a breath. Let the noise drop away. You don't have to perform in order to be powerful. You already are when you're here. I'm Corey Baum, and this is the Evolved Men Podcast. Thanks for listening, brother. And I'll see you next week. Hey, before you go, this podcast is just the surface.

SPEAKER_00: 12:52

The real work happens inside the Evolved Men Brotherhood.

SPEAKER_01: 12:55

This is our private community of men committed to leading themselves boldly, building confidence, and sharpening one another in the fire. Registration officially opens December 1st, and we kick off our Brotherhood calls together beginning in January 2026.

SPEAKER_00: 13:10

But you can get on the list today and be the first to claim your spot. If you're tired of going to life alone and you're ready for true accountability, support, and connection with men who get it, head to Evolvement Project.comslash Brotherhood. Don't just listen, step into the Brotherhood. I'll see you inside.