SPEAKER_00: 0:04

Are you ready to break free from hesitation, self-doubt, and isolation? Do you want to lead with confidence, build powerful connections, and live boldly? I'm Corey Baum, and I'm here to share the most impactful strategies and mindsets that I've learned through coaching, leadership, and real-world experience. Together, we'll forge unshakable confidence, master social dynamics, and create a life rooted in purpose, brotherhood, and bold action. Inside, you'll get the tools and insights to become the strongest, most connected version of yourself. Let's dive in. All right. Hey brothers, welcome back to the Evolve Men podcast. This is the show where we explore what it takes to stop doing life alone and step into the man that you're meant to become. And that's through real conversations, real challenges, and real growth. Today I'm joined by someone who's doing powerful work in the men's space. His name is Dave O'Dwyer. And Dave is a men's coach and facilitator who leads the men's Midweek Men's Circle. He's also the EU lead for the men's ADHD Support Group, a nonprofit helping men navigate life with a completely different operating system. Before stepping into this mission, Dave spent 20 years as a professional chef and has walked his own path through sobriety, ADHD, burnout, and rebuilding his life into something that he's proud of. Dave created the League of Spiritual Gentlemen to help men live the MAN values, maturity, assertiveness, and nurturing. He's the kind of guy who doesn't just talk about this growth, he actually lives it. I'm excited for you to hear his his journey today because so many men struggle silently with the same battles, losing themselves and their work, trying to hold everything together on the outside while feeling chaotic inside. Believing that they should be able to figure it out alone. So Dave is here to remind us that brotherhood and honest leadership of self can change everything. So, Dave, man, I'm grateful to have you here. Thank you for joining us.

SPEAKER_01: 2:15

Yeah, and it thank you so much, Corey. I'm so grateful to be here and to have this conversation with you. It's as we were chatting beforehand, we both happen to be from the like Pacific Northwest, which is always great to meet someone else from the PMW, PNW.

SPEAKER_00: 2:33

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I I love it. And and now you're in you're in Ireland, right?

SPEAKER_01: 2:37

Yeah. So I've been here now. I've been I moved over to Europe 10 years ago to uh, as I told my family and friends, I want to cook my way around the world and you know, and I'm gonna start in Ireland because my grandfather was originally from here, so I was able to get the Irish passport and moved to Ireland, England, Malta, back to Ireland, and then found my now wife and haven't left. So kind of failed in my goal, but also succeeded because the current job I work at is actually at a sushi restaurant. So, like I kind of did cook my way around the world in 10 years.

SPEAKER_00: 3:12

Yeah. Very nice, very nice. Well, hey man, so to kick this off, you you talk pretty openly about vulnerability being a strength. So I'm curious, when did that start to become true for you in your own life?

SPEAKER_01: 3:28

I think that that really became true. Like it started in in two moments. Like the first moment would have been so three weeks before my 30th birthday, I blacked out drunk, went into my old apartment that I hadn't lived in in three months, and was arrested. And this kind of led me on to my sobriety journey. But it took six months after that incident of like denial of like, oh no, I don't have an issue, it's not there. Oh, you know, I'm a white guy in the American judicial system, I'll get out of this. Like, this doesn't exist, you know. I'm like, and then, you know, went to treatment center, treatment center, lied, lied, lied. And then this one treatment center I went to, I was like, what if I just be honest? And I got vulnerable for the first time. And and I got really honest with with where I was at, with my issues with alcohol, with me trying to use that to as a coping mechanism for my ADHD, as a coping mechanism for life on life's terms. It was trying to use the outside things to fill the inside hole. And after three months of like uh going to AA and everything else, I took had to take on and I like got vulnerable again of like recognizing of like, hey, if I really want this to happen and change, I have to start from the inside. It can't be these outside things, it has to come from the inside. And that was the the start of the evolution. And then when I moved over to Europe, I had told everyone I was cooking my way around the world, but secretly I wanted a girlfriend, I wanted a wife, I wanted to, I had been in a dry spell for like five odd years. So I was like, if I move over to Europe, you know, I'm I'll I'll find a girl in two weeks and they'll solve all my problems. And I realized uh after two weeks where I almost nearly picked up a drink again, I was like, no, that has nothing to do with American girls, European girls, or women in general. It has to do with me. And, you know, this is where it took another kind of big hit to the ego of like, I need to change. I need to find me. And so I got myself a dating coach and I started to did a little bit of more therapy, got into personal development and started to learn how to love myself. Because at that point, at a scale of one to 10, I think I was at a three or a four in like of a positive relationship with myself. Now, you know, nine, 10 years later, I'm uh at a solid eight. Uh I wouldn't say I'm at a nine or a ten yet, but like I'm a I'm at a solid, I'm at a solid eight. Like, like, like it's and and and it's that growth and that progress and that and that progress of recognizing the evolution of self as well, of the identity. And now I don't even consider myself an alcoholic anymore. I consider myself a man who has issues, who has things, but we can move past them because identity is not based on one thing, it evolves and it changes as we grow, as we put ourselves in new circumstances. You know, it brings out the best of us if we choose it to.

SPEAKER_00: 6:30

Yeah, you know, that's that's interesting. One of the things that you said in the very beginning was this. I'm I'm at kind of a loss for words of it, but it's maybe it'll come back to me as we kind of do this. But either way, there was there was a lot that was in there that sounds so true to my story. And and I think a that's what it was to a lot of men in general. The the point was was that when you went into it, it sounded like you there was this story that you were telling everybody for a long time. And maybe that's that was a story that you were telling yourself and you were telling everybody else, and then one day you realize you're like, what if I just fucking told the truth of like how I'm actually feeling? And I think that that's so great because there is this there, you know, and even for myself, I feel like there is this narrative that we we craft, right? That it's over time that it's it's very accepting by people. And we've realized that over time, that like, oh, if I just tell my story in a certain way that, you know, it's engaging and people like me, and there's all of these sort of things, but I'm not actually fixing what's at the root of it, right? And so it is really kind of this mask or this facade sort of thing. And and even for myself, you know, similarly in that sort of scenario, like I could different points in my life, like I could probably talk myself in circles and everybody around me around like why the decisions that I was making or who I am or right, my identity, like why that makes sense and how I came to that conclusion, you know. But to your point, like the real reality is, you know, you said one thing, but you knew deep down that you were doing another. And and it kind of sounds like for you that when when you set down those masks and started to really be vulnerable that things shifted for you.

SPEAKER_01: 8:19

Absolutely. And it was, it's not an easy process by any means, right? It is, I think the long, the longest and hardest journey I've ever taken in my life was it any is it to the multiple continents I've been to, the multiple states, countries. It is from the head to the heart, right? It's from head to gut. It's from knowing something to to believing it and the power of the belief and building those strong foundations. As you said, right? Like one of the books that my coach gave me was Radical Honesty by Brad Blandon. And it was a fantastic, fantastic book of like, all right, being radically honest. And I've been over the last two years, I've been reading a lot about the Stoics too, of like accepting things as they are and recognizing what's the story I'm putting on this, right? I get to be the co-author of my story. How do I wish to perceive the world? How do I wish to see this? You know, like is this really in line with the values that I want to actually live by? Or is this, like you said, is this a mask? Is this, am I doing it out of guilt? Am I doing this out of obligation? What are the like it's going back down to the essence and the reason of why you do what you do, you know, and like and that was something when getting sober as well is recognizing the why of like, okay, why did I drink? Why did I use drugs? Why did I like go into porn? Why did I do these destructive behaviors? Because I'm avoiding something, right? And you know, the the stoics love to talk about how the obstacle is the way. It's usually the thing that you're avoiding is the thing that that that will lead you out because it's the the it's the it's the fear. You're uh avoiding the thing that will actually kind of help you because it seems really super scary. And yet when you start to get into it, it actually turns this big mountain turns into a tiny little molehill. It gets really kind of tiny. And it like you realize, oh wow, I can accomplish that. You can overcome uh overcome all these things. You no longer have to play victim in your own life. Because I always heard victims stay victims. So how do you become not a victim? Is that you grow beyond it? You recognize I'm recovered, I am in recovery, I am getting past it, I am learning to move through it through all my faults, step downs and turnarounds, and you know, like nothing is, you know, always going to be perfect in life, but it's learning how to accept where you are with total and radical honesty. And and like it doesn't mean like, and what emotion I put on that, that's on me, right? Because that's the part I can control. I I can't control 99, I can't control anything outside of my little hula hoop. I've got a little magical hula hoop. Everything inside the hula hoop I can control. And even some things inside the hula hoop, like the fact that I have AHD. I can't control that. But I can control how I respond to it. I can show I can control how I how how I show up every day. That's what I can control. And it's recognizing and and learning that difference of what I can and can't control. Like I can't control my wife. Like I tried. I tried early on. You but like can't control really hard. It doesn't work. Try to control, like, like, try to control, like, you know, like being a chef when you have like your teammates and like the other fellow chefs trying to control every little aspect of the dish and things like that. Those are things that are outside your control. Like, like, especially when it comes down to leadership. And, you know, from watching some of your podcasts in the past, you know, leadership really comes down to not standing over in front of everyone, oh, you gotta do this, right? Like, I've learned the best leadership comes from standing shoulder to shoulder with somebody and working them through the process of learning how to like I love teaching young cooks the the process of like what I call lazy efficiency in the kitchen, of learning how to be uh efficient so you can be lazy, like and finding like those little things. And this builds respect because if you want to gain someone's respect, it isn't by your words, because words are cheap. Anyone can say any kind of thing, but it's your actions that really matter, and it's the actions that you take that that and are they in line with your words, or is there dissonance? Because if you say one thing and you do something else, you know, all right, that person's fault. You don't like, you're like, all right, why am I gonna listen to you? So I learn to not listen to people's words, but look at their actions. And then that also requires me to look at my actions. What am I saying versus what am I doing? Is those in line? And this comes once again, gets back to the vulnerability of it of like, okay, and if it isn't, all right, what can I do to change it? And not beating myself up for it or like being, oh, I'm the worst. I'm like, okay, nope, that didn't work. Let's get back into the lab. How can we adjust? How can we change? And learning how to give some emotional distance to it. Because another thing that a lot of men don't recognize about ADHD, especially if you have neurodivergency, you have emotional dysregulation. So you feel things way intenser than than than most people. So a simple piece of feedback, like I remember this in my 20s, like I would have a perfect service in the restaurant, and then one person at the end of the night would be like, ate half the food or didn't like it or was overcooked by a little bit or something was wrong. And then I'd think I was the worst, right? Didn't matter all the other wins.

SPEAKER_00: 13:39

All that work that I've put in, the years that I've been doing this is all down the drain.

SPEAKER_01: 13:43

Exactly. I'm I'm the worst. And it's like, no, maybe once again, things outside my control. Maybe it was something in my control, but I just had to learn how to accept. Uh accept, surrender, and let go.

SPEAKER_00: 13:55

Yeah. And that's a really good point that you bring up. And I appreciate you saying that about being kind to yourself uh along the way in the process, right? I think all too often that along the way on this journey, right, as men start recognizing getting into the lab, as you called it, which I I love that I might actually steal that. Um, but just you know, as they as they start doing the work and they start recognizing these things in themselves, I think it's real easy for us to go to that mentality of like, oh man, there it is again. Like I screwed this up. I'm, you know, I'm such a piece of shit, or whatever it is. But I say often, I've got two kids, right? And I say often that that that part of myself, you know, is like one of my kids. And I would never talk to my kids that way. But all too often, men find, you know, I've I hear that from men of just like the conversations and the voices that they have to themselves are just horrible. And so I really appreciated the fact where you were like, hey, you know, not whatever it is, maybe it is a bad night, right? It wasn't the most optimal, but just being like, hey, you know, it was a night, you know, and and navigating that with more kindness, I guess, and empathy for yourself.

SPEAKER_01: 15:07

Yeah. And and this is why in in my program for the the League of Spiritual Gentlemen, the man method, it's maturity, assertiveness. And the the third and key one is nurturing, right? Learning how to nurture not the relation, the relationships around you, but also nurture your own personal relationship. So many men have like one of the go-to easiest emotions for men is anger, right? And anger can be a great fuel, or it can also, but if not controlled correctly, it will burn down your whole house and will burn down your self-esteem. But it's learning how to temper that with nurturing, of learning how, like you said, you wouldn't say that like the nastiest shit that I would say in my head, I would never say to like, you know, you wouldn't say to your kid, you wouldn't say to your best friend, you wouldn't say to your wife, but somehow you, you're okay of saying that to you. And like it and the the the core of all your relationships start where? With what's the there's one relationship that you have your whole entire life. If everyone else disappeared, is the relationship with self. So if you don't build a strong foundation with self first and foremost, all the other relationships are built on on sand. They'll start to crumble away because you don't have that strong foundation. And it starts with building that foundation of learning to say, yeah, I messed up or hey, this was, you know, a struggle. I didn't get like even today at at work, we're supposed to hit a thousand euro target kind of thing. And we got to 866 and we're getting close to end of time. I'm like, all right, that's good enough, you know. Like I don't need to push myself extra hours and everything else. I'm like, you know what? It's just food. You know, like the business will survive, we'll survive. It isn't the end of the world. Exactly. Like, like we'll have another crack at it tomorrow. We're only two people today. We're not in our normal three, so don't beat yourself up over something that's outside your control.

SPEAKER_00: 17:03

Yeah, absolutely. So I'd like to touch on a little bit, you know, you've mentioned a couple of times, and I I appreciate being so vulnerable about your uh having ADHD and your relationship with it. What I'm kind of curious, what what sort of challenges do you feel like ADHD brings to men?

SPEAKER_01: 17:22

So I I think the the biggest challenge is I think that ADHD, like that, especially for men with ADHD, is emotional dysregulation. So not being able to understand and how to deal with our emotions. Because we already struggle with that just as men in general. And then it comes down to the tasks, like the prefrontal core tasks and understanding how your brain works. So many men don't understand, all right, how uh dopamine and serotonin work, of recognizing of where some days you don't have any energy, you're out of, you're out of spoons, and like you, you, you're your your fuel's gone, and then you beat yourself up over it. And it's learning how to accept of like where you're at and recognizing the emotional kind of side of it. Because I think the emotional dysregulation, because one small piece of feedback, positive or negative, can really either send you really sky high and you get too hyper-focused on, oh my god, ah, I'm the best, or oh man, I'm the worst. And it's recognizing of finding equanimity in it. And it's so hard for the ADHD brain because we're all or nothing. Like it's everything or nothing. And then you beat yourself up because you're like, oh man, like, you know, I'm not gonna sh move the camera around because the area over there is the couple of doom piles, like it's uh like the clothes, like it's not as organized as it should be. But I don't beat myself up over that anymore. But so many men do, so many men struggle with just kind of like even brushing your teeth, even the basic little things can be a struggle for men with ADHD because ADHD, similar to autism, I find, comes in different varieties and flavors, and it's how you kind of perceive it and how it kind of affects you. Some people struggle with certain sides more than other sides. Like the other day, the other week, we were doing a big clean out because we're gonna be moving to my wife and I are gonna move to Spain in in January. So we started to do a slow clean out. So one weekend, first week that we did the clean out, I lose my keys. They they got disappeared into a box or something there. Oh man. Next week, yeah, next week that the headphones, like my Bluetooth headphones, go missing because they're they're tiny. So it's like, all right, it's the ADHD tax. Like I could be either be upset by it, but I'm like, okay, let's print off more keys, go buy some more headphones. Like it's like it's a solvable thing. Yeah, exactly. Like, like, yeah, sure, it cost me a bit of a bit of extra money I wasn't planning on spending, but you know what? It's not a big deal. Like, you don't have to like make it into this giant.

SPEAKER_00: 20:01

Yeah, I could see as men, like in that perspective, like be like for myself, losing my goddamn mind, right? Especially as this sort of thing happens, of like, no, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, we're gonna basically unpack everything and find whatever it is that it might, you know, it might be, or the keys or whatever it is. And that's really great that for yourself that you've been able to, you know, we'll go back to like kindness and as my mentor calls it, like being on your own side, uh, of being like, it's almost I picture like a laugh, right? Like having a laugh with yourself, like, oh man, there it is again. Like, there's Jimmy losing his shit, you know, but cool, we'll we'll deal with this. No big deal.

SPEAKER_01: 20:43

And it's and it's taken me a long time to kind of remove this, like this kind of like, oh man, uh, like, yeah, you gotta unpack everything. I'm like, you know what? They'll turn up when they churn up. And it's like, I even don't like beat myself up for being late. So I know a lot of ADHDs suffer with like with time blindness of being able to show up on time or like you get tr lose track really easy. But it's like I've kind of taken the attitude of like, I show up exact I am exactly where I'm supposed to be in life. Wherever I am is exactly where I'm supposed to be. Because wherever you go, there you are. So if I was supposed to be on this podcast today, so I'm here on the podcast. If I wasn't supposed to be on the podcast, something would have cut up that like something would have changed and it wouldn't have happened. Like, you know, and it's just learning to accept this kind of almost radical acceptance of wherever you are, because the only moment you you're alive is the moment of now, right? Like no other moment, like it's only this moment that you're alive. So if you're gonna be in this moment, make it an extraordinary moment. Because they're like every moment is an extraordinary moment. It's all, you know, it's all a special little moment if you choose to look at it that way. And it's all, once again, your choice, how you wish to perceive it. One of my favorite stoic quotes at the moment is your thoughts are the are dyed by the color, are dyed the color of your soul. So like your thoughts affect how you perceive the world. How you dye your thoughts, how you think, shows how you show up and how you see the world. I I know I'm butchering it, but it's something like that, and it's an appetite as well.

SPEAKER_00: 22:18

But it's still pretty good, yeah. I can see how that, you know, and that it still bleeds into every facet of your life. Yeah. So I'm I'm curious, like I can picture that, and and I say this very loosely, like, I probably to an extent have some tendencies that are probably very ADHD. Like I kind of walk around from time to time, be like, man, I am I am undiagnosed, but there is a good possibility that I have some shit that but I imagine and and even at times for myself, that there are some of these tendencies for me that that when I look at it, I I almost perceive them as like unmasculine as a result of that, right? Because I'm not this like grounded, stoic, certain, focused sort of time or sort of man, right? And and at times I can be hard on myself because of that, just to your point, right? So I I think it's great that you've been able to like to reframe these sort of things. But I'm curious, how how do you feel like at times that that perception or perspective and that relationship with ADHD is kind of how have you noticed it?

SPEAKER_01: 23:29

Yeah, it because it especially with kind of the masculine too, is that like, because usually you'll have like so much kind of autism. You'll you'll get into a super like kind of hobby and stuff. So as you'll see, I I I dig my Lego. That was my COVID hobby. And like, you know, like, oh, like, you know, men don't play games or, you know, don't build with toys. I'm like, yeah, but I like them. Or I, you know, I love Dungeons and Dragons and like, you know, kind of nerdy things. I've always joked of like I think I'm actually one of the most original hipsters before hipsters were cool. Like all the things of like like being even being a chef, like, oh my god, that's such kind of like, you know, cooking at home. Like I do all the cooking at home, because why wouldn't I? Like I have to make it. Like, I love it, right? Like, but like, oh, that that that's a that's a woman's job to to do the cooking, you know. I'm like, no, like, you know, it's what like it's learning how to break out of what you want your masculine to be. Like, and this is where I've always had that kind of question of what is masculinity? What is being a man in this day and age, right? Like, was it like the Bugattis and you gotta have the cars and all the seven girls and all this? It was like all these outside kind of things. But then I look to particularly to my father, because he was like, I wouldn't say he was the most emotionally like, I wouldn't say stunted, but like I I suspect he maybe have Asperger's or something on the spectrum. We called him, we got him a t-shirt one year for Christmas called The Man of Steel, not because of how strong he is, because he's an accountant, but of how the lack of emotion that he would show. But but when I started to go a little bit deeper with it and started to look at his actions, his actions showed someone who really cares, someone who shows up for people, someone that that will, if he says he's gonna do something, he does it, right? Like these became the qualities that I started to recognize of where this is what kind of true masculinity is. It isn't the bravado, because that's just boys acting like men, right? Like true men, right? Like for me, right, comes down to those qualities again. Maturity, learning how to take responsibility for your side of the street, learning how to show up. Like when you say you're gonna do something, you do it, right? It starts by being mature, like, because when you that that's the difference between a boy and a man. A boy or the guy, right? Because it's always the nice guy. Like, like it's always blaming someone else. It's always playing the victim card. Maturity is I take side from ownership on my side of the street. And then assertiveness, right? It's not being an asshole of like, I'm gonna be super aggressive and everything I do and it's all about me, or the people pleaser like I was of like, yeah, please give me like whatever you want. I like I don't matter anything else. It's assertiveness, it's the middle ground of like, no, these are my boundaries, these are my values. If you cross them, there are consequences. If you don't do this, I do this. And it's not to be an asshole, not to be a dick, but like because I have maturity, I can learn to assert my my wants and needs in a way that's healthy and open without having to lead to manipulation or guilt or any other kind of psychological tricks, because it's I'm being radically honest. Here's where I'm at. And then it ends with nurturing, right? Like learning how to love yourself, but also nurture and care and be a leader for those around you, not by your words, not by what you say, but by your actions, by showing up, by doing the thing. Even if you fall down, but it by the action of picking yourself up again, it's impressive, right? People are impressed by that. Like trying to build something is difficult. Trying to put together a dish, a team, any kind of thing, it like cooking, like moving around countries. It's a difficult process. You'll be surprised at how many people who want to do it but are too afraid, who lets fear hold them back from actually doing what they truly want to do. And if you can be the example, right? Because once again, I can't control you, I can't make you do it, but if I can become the example in the light, then that shines out and that attracts the people around you that want that, but also it bring it it gives them an example to follow. And that gives them that opportunity and it gives them permission to try it. And that to me is what it really means to be a man. Yeah, I think we we got there at the end. I think that answered the question.

SPEAKER_00: 28:00

Yeah, yeah. No, I I I love so much of that, and I love the acronym. It's defining masculinity or what it is to be a man is such a I think it's such a challenging yet easy sort of thing at the same time, right? And it's it's nuanced and there's complexity to it. But I think you described it really beautifully, especially with your father. And I love the the analogy to the the man of steel, right? Because it's not that I I think at times there is this perception of man of like, God, they just fucking are emotionless. No, it's not that he's necessarily emotionless, like if you really dig into it and you inspect it, like there is so much care and empathy, but it it just looks differently than what everybody else is expecting to see, right? He's he's doing these things throughout his life with such maybe intensity at times because of how much he does care. And you know, there's there's work to explore that, but it's not that it's not there.

SPEAKER_01: 29:01

And I feel like men feel emotions, it's it's not like a rolling wave of where it's changing like up, down, up, down, like particularly kind of on the feminine side, right? Like for him, like they can go through constant wave of emotions. For men, we feel things really deeply. Like it's it holds on for a while and then changes. It's a slow progression of that emotional kind of of that that really kind of feeling deep. And we're not really taught how to feel, right? Like, what is a really like an emotion, right? It's I break down for for guys as well, uh like in my coaching, like it's a feel it's a sensation in the body. Like you've associated this word with a sensation in the body. What are you associating with that word? You can disassociate that word from that like for me, like the feeling of scared and excited are the feels exactly the same thing in the body. The the exact same, the body goes through exact same physical like sensations, yet the environment determines whether I'm scared or excited. Like many times when I've gone on stage to do stand-up comedy, uh, I'll start off being shit scared. Like, oh my god, I can't believe I'm gonna be on stage, like I'm gonna be on stage, what the fuck? I'm gonna forget all my lines, and then and then I'm like, wait a minute, oh dude, I'm gonna be on stage, I'm gonna be chat telling jokes and like making a fool out of myself in front of like 30, uh 30, 40, 50, 150 people. Awesome, right? And I've learned how to like take a breath, put it right hand on chest, left hand on belly, and just feel the feelings inside the body, feel the emotions, feel the body. Because so many times we're stuck here, stuck in the head. And especially for the ADHD or like I think just with men in general, we get or just humans in general, we're stuck here, but our best work happens here in the body, in in the things that we do. We have a great brain, but like the operating system can sometimes hijack it. And it's like, all right, we gotta bring in our awareness, drop into the body, and allow ourselves to just go and do, and you'll be amazed at what you can accomplish. And like uh my my one little brag in in comedy is in 2018, I was part I was living in Malta. Times of Malta wrote me as one of the top five comedians in Malta, which was really impressive because there was only three of us at the time, but I made it in the top five.

SPEAKER_00: 31:29

I love it. Way to work that comedy in here. I can see it. Yeah. So I'm never said I was a great comedian, like I love it, man. So so I'm kind of curious, right, as we as we kind of look at this, you know, you're you're on your your journey, right? Is eating your way around the world, doing that sort of thing. Like, how how did you get to the place working with other men? Not not just for yourself working with other men, but but even doing your own growth and exploration with with other men.

SPEAKER_01: 32:02

Yeah. So like I think this also is something that I always gravitated. So in school, I always kind of struggled with it, but I was big in the Boy Scouts. Really, really big in the Boy Scouts when I was a kid. So from age about like eight, nine all the way up to 17, 18. Never got my Eagle Scout, got into that's when I was about to get into drugs and everything else, and things kind of happened at that point. But I was big, I was really big into the Order of the Arrow, the Honor Society. I was actually the youngest kid in my district to receive the Vigil Honor Award. But it was always those small little kind of things of community, of like your little patrol group and you'd go out and do an activity together. And it was always like I hated school, but I loved scouts. I loved connecting with other guys there. And then so when I started traveling around the world, like I knew like, A, I don't know anyone in this country, so get on meetup so I can find activities that I that I'm interested in and find other people I like. And then I found men's groups, got and really involved in AA because I'm like, okay, here's a group of people who are gonna ask anything of you. You can show up, get a cup of coffee with them, give you the lay of the land. And as I got into especially into more of doing the with my dating coach, he had a bit of a community as well. So I got involved with them. And then during COVID, I found men's ADHD support group because I was like, all right, I don't have any online things. All right, let's let's build an online thing and want to do a more deep dive and really work on my ADHD. Found men's ADHD support group and was like, all right, let's, and I started really connecting with them. And then I became a co-facilitator for doing meetings with them and started doing my own. I was like, all right, you know what? I like if I want to succeed at what I want to do, I can't do it alone. Because I I know when I every time I've tried to build my own coaching business by myself, it crashes and burns. Like even working in in kitchens, right? Kitchens are very much a team environment. Uh, I recognize I thrive best when I'm with a team, when I have people that I can rely on. It also uses my ego to my advantage because I can't let them down because I don't want to look like an asshole. So it's like exactly, right? Like, like if you're gonna have ego, so you might as well try to like use it to like make it work better for you instead of working against you. So I'm like, okay, if I want to do this, I need to build, I need to find. So I spent searching out, finding communities. And I was like, you know what, let's build my own. Let's build one for there, there's a few in Ireland, but there's isn't that many. So I'm like, okay, let's build one for where I can connect with people, where people who want to share that same path as me. Because they're out there, like yourself. There are so many of us out there, but we're all kind of like on these different kind of paths along. And so you kind of have to look over, like, oh, hey, hey, all right, hey, we're on the same path. Oh, wow, we're on the same path. It's like, all right, let's come together. And when you start to bring them together, the journey becomes easier. The the journey becomes it, you you can take that little bit of burden and it gets transferred around, right? Like you're able to unload a bit of that burden, a bit of the struggle on there and be able to ask for help, right? Like I love the Simon Speck talks about like friendship. Like, why I if I love to help people, why would I be such an asshole to deny someone else the ability to help me? If I love that feeling so much, why would you deny that to a friend who wants to help you? Right. So, like learning how to reach out for help is something that I've I've done over the last, particularly over the last two or three weeks, of people within the League of Spiritual Gentlemen of like, you know, I want to grow this thing out more. I can't do it on my own. And I and it's it always feels super vulnerable and scary because what if they say no and rejection sensitivity kicks in and they're not gonna they're not gonna like me anymore or I'm weak. And it's like, no, like asking for help is one of the biggest forms of strength there is because it's one of those things of where you're allowing someone else to help you to get something out of it, to get that feeling of being a part of something. And most people want to help, most people want to be there just as much as we want to be there for other people. Why would like you know, yeah, that's a really good point.

SPEAKER_00: 36:22

The with men, you know, one of the things that they always that I hear often that men need is purpose, right? And so why would we remove that, the opportunity from another man to give him a sense of purpose, right? We're all we're all fixers, you know, through and through. And so there's a part of us that like, man, let's let's give that man next to us an opportunity to fix something. Like he is he is like a dog, like a labrador looking for something to fix. He's dying to. And so, yeah, why would I take that opportunity away from him? I think that that's you've brought up a lot of really good points, and that it really kind of sounds like the the picture that I was getting as you were talking was this like it's almost like having a tool, right? That somebody has a problem or an issue or just something that they're they're navigating in life, right? A way through it. And they're like, you know, I I need this thing, I need this tool to get me from here to there to navigate my situation, right? But they don't know what that tool looks like, right? They don't know what the leverage looks like, the mechanism or whatever that is. And and you know, meanwhile, you meet another man or whatever it might be, and they're like, dude, you know, you open up, you you put that out there for the opportunity, and he's like, hey man, that's that's a Phillips screwdriver. That's what it's called. I've got one right over here. Let me hand that to you. And and the the time that that takes, right, you can spend your entire life trying to figure out and redesign the wheel or the Phillips screwdriver or what it is, whatever it is, but that man has already been through you know that situation or a similar scenario, and you just you just progressed 50 years right there in that moment by by not necessarily failing or needing, but by giving another man an opportunity to support you, right? So not only did you get your needs met and you progressed significantly in your challenge, overcame it, but you also gave somebody else an opportunity to connect.

SPEAKER_01: 38:29

And and it's the and it's the power of using that tool, right? Because it's laying it at their feet and sharing your experience of how you used it, right? Because no one likes a you should, right? No one knows like, well, you should do it this way, you should do it like that, you should, you should, you should. Because that's usually will create an emotional block right away. But this is the power of like support groups or the ability to share openly and honestly of like, this is how I did it.

SPEAKER_00: 38:54

Maybe it'll work for you, maybe it didn't.

SPEAKER_01: 38:56

Yeah, this is what I use, these are the tools that I use, and this is the results I got. If you try it this way, you might get the same results. You might not, but most likely you will, right? And like you said, men are builders. We love to build things, we want to fix things, we want to create. We're creators, we want to create and build things. So we either it's creation or destruction. So are we creating the life we want or are we destroying the life we have? And it's like, what do you want to create? And it's learning how to take those little things. And you can't build the house on your own, you know. Like you get someone else to give you the tools to help you. Like, like I said, the Phillips screwdriver. All right, help me put on how do I build the foundations? What are your foundations? What did worked for you? All right, I like that one, you know, but I also like a little bit of that. So take a little bit of this, a little bit of that, and then you build your own. And it's but it's you know, it's creating something to create the life, to create the thing that you want for yourself because everyone is on that. It's an individual and pluralistic journey at the same time because we're all on our individual. Individual little past, but it all comes together to build something greater.

SPEAKER_00: 40:04

Yeah, absolutely. So you've got the League of Spiritual Gentlemen, is that right? Yes. Tell me, tell us a little bit about that.

SPEAKER_01: 40:15

Yeah, so the the League was kind of born out of the idea of wanting to really give men, not just ADHD men, it's kind of mostly focused on neurodivergent men, but men in general, a the sense of community and belonging, like I found in the Scouts, like I found in men's ADHD support group in AA, and to find that place to grow, to build together, to understand that life on life's terms doesn't have to be hard, right? Like learning how this, like as we were saying, the tools. It's a place for men to grow, to be able to drop the mask, to be able to share, to be able to find, hey man, I'm struggling with this. How did you overcome it? All right, here's what I did. And you know, we have a school community, a WhatsApp community. I'm on meetup and all that stuff, but we're really pushing for the school. Uh, we have some courses on there as well for the first one that's a free course for everyone is passions and purpose, finding your true north. As you mentioned, men need men need purpose. So, and if you don't know where you're going, if you don't know where you're at, you don't know where you're going. So it's learning how to have that like orientation and having other men who have been along that path to be like, yeah, hey, I'm over here. This is what you want, this is what you get. Oh no, I'm over here. This is what like and it's being able to build that. So over the last year and a half, two years, it's been we've been building where not huge super huge, but you know, we have a good solid 40, like 30, 40 guys that who show up every like show up uh who come to the midweek men's circle, our Sunday success meetings, like who are wanting to engage and we've seen transformation and growth with those guys. And like it's that, like you said, it supercharges their progression if they're trying to do it on their own, or just looking at looking at YouTube videos, or I'm gonna read all these books. Like, all right, like where's the accountability? Where's the motivation? And you know what, even these celebrations. I don't think like we give ourselves enough like credit for the little wins. So usually like like one of the things we we do on the the men's circle is what's a win and a gratitude, and whatever the win is, however big or small, I'm usually going, ah, because it's like but but it because that's the reaction I want. Because I want guys to have that of like, yeah, hey, I got up today. Yeah, to get stuck, like, like, hey, I brush my teeth because I know when I was getting sober, like one day without a drink, or hey, I brushed my teeth today, like in the points of my I I've had many points of like depression. I get seasonal depression. So like like getting up to just shower was a fucking win. Nothing else happened. I would go right back to bed, but if I showered, that's a win. And it's learning how to celebrate the little wins because it's the little win that leads to another win that leads to another win that leads to another win. This is how you build the motivation. Like it's not trying to eat the elephant all in one bite, but it's taking one bite at a time, one little thing. Because you can see this list, it could be so daunting of all the things you have to do, should do, could do, would do, but it comes down to like, all right, what's the smallest little action I could do in the moment of now, right now? And if you know, even if it you may feel it's inconsequential, but that builds to the next moment, to the next, to the next. And this is how you start climbing the ladder. And if you've got other people along here, like, yeah, this is how we climb it, and be like, yeah, you made it to a step, like you're now more stoked to like climb the next step, to take the next action.

SPEAKER_00: 43:51

I love that, man. I I love the this idea of community and support and togetherness is really starting to become a thing. I think it's needed more now than than ever before. You know, and we talked before, we hit the record button today of just kind of this epidemic of loneliness with men and this lack of connection, right? That leads to the suicide rates and just it's alarming to say the least. Yeah, so I I love that you're doing that. So we've we've touched touched on a little bit. One of the things I wanted to go back to that we talked about in the beginning is kind of your your thoughts and like your the areas where you've dove into like stoicism, right? Especially in regards to like how it regards to masculine presence and and how does that really how have you found that to like really support emotional regulation?

SPEAKER_01: 44:49

Oh, so like the The Daily Stoic is one of my absolute favorite books. So as actually my wife got it for me, she'd found it in a thing there. It was what I found super fascinating by like sometimes I can struggle with reading like the really intense physical philosophical stuff. So I turned it into a challenge for myself because I wanted to build out my YouTube channel. So I started a challenge of where I'd read a because it's a page a day, so I just read yeah, a page a day and made a video on it. And I recognized that a lot of the things that Marcus Realis and all these stoics are talking about, well it you know, they lived, you know, 200, 2,000 odd years ago, it still applies to today. Like, like it's just different window dressing. All the same human experience hasn't all that much changed from two from the beginning of mankind. Like people are still struggling with the exact same issues. And so recognizing of like it really honed in to me on the idea of the spiritual hula hoop and like recognizing the things I can't control and can control. And like, because I always thought of stoicism or stoic as like, you know, like I said, the John Wayne, like, all right, we don't say anything kind of thing. I'm like, but true stoicism is like, no, it's diving into the emotions, understanding who you are, building values, building an internal life. And AA and like the 12-step program had a little bit in there, but over the last, I'd say, three years, I really started to do a deep, deep dive on understanding the philosophy of stoicism, Taoism, Buddhism, like understanding all these different kinds of things, but particularly Stoicism of how like it can affect and change my life and the lessons. Like, because like Marcus Really, it's like the meditations, that's his personal journal, right? Like, it wasn't meant to be like, hey, I'm gonna be like on a podcast in 2025, like like let's write some good trigger. Exactly. Like, like, no, it was like here's his like personal struggles, what he's going through, what he was thinking about. And you can have the insights of that. And once again, it's lessons from another man that gives you the tools to handle life on life's terms. And it's recognizing that you can find these tools and find the nuggets of wisdom in anything if you choose to truly look and truly like like do a deep dive and understand where they're coming from and recognize how to comply to you. And I I've found the lessons to be like I continue to to go back through it and it's always find something new, always find something else that strikes me at the moment that I need to hear it. Because it's the moment that I'm supposed to hear it at that moment. That's when it's supposed to click. Then it clicked before as it clicks at that moment.

SPEAKER_00: 47:39

Yeah. I love that, you know, and I more and more to your to your point, like as I've navigated life, that that this sense of looking back to some of those those those writings, those experiences of people before us, to men and before, you know, and and as we talk about community and things like that, that yeah, those those people are maybe uh are a little bit closer to where we're at timeline-wise, but the struggles as we look back even farther, like they continue to just repeat themselves over and over again throughout time. And so looking back to those sort of things for you know, a sense of like direction. And and not even, you know, and I I loved your point that this isn't even necessarily like, hey, how you should necessarily do it, but this is I love I love the part about this is just his journal. Like he didn't he didn't expect this to be published or whatever it might be necessarily, that it was like this is just something that's going on in my life, and there's like this removal of like monetization from it, right? That it's it's it's a suggestion, you know, it's like I wouldn't even say that it's a suggestion. It's like, hey, I'm literally gonna lay this here with no intention of anybody ever picking it up and the beauty and somebody walking by and benefiting from that.

SPEAKER_01: 49:01

And it's amazing. So I believe you do journaling as well, and it's one of the things that that I that I do quite often, and it's funny because I'll go back and read through my old journals and read through it again, and there'll be nuggets of wisdom that I find from my own writings from from recognizing of where I'm at, of like, because I struggle with the typing, so I do a lot of like dictation, and then at the end of the week, I'll I'll kind of read through it. And it gives you that third person perspective of kind of rereading your words, and you see, okay, wow, this is where this is what I'm really going on. Or here's like like if I'm annoyed about something, it usually pops up over and over and over and over again. I'm like, oh, okay, here's the thing I need to address. Like, or like, well, here are the the wins that I'm like that I'm not giving myself credit for, even though I'm kind of bitching a moment about this thing, but I'm asking these questions, I'm like, okay, which then helps kind of shape of like that because it's a way of developing relationship with self because it's talking to past self. It's talking to past Dave to future Dave. And, you know, I like the Mr. Beast said he did a thing where he made a video every like 10, 20 or years of like him when he was 18, like talking to his future self. And I have always kind of liked that kind of idea. This is what I love about the idea of holding on to your journals or going back to some of your old kind of writings or things of those personal nature. It's it gives you an insight of where you're at. Like last time I went home, I found one of my journals when I was like like nine, ten years old, and it was kind of heartbreaking because in it it just had line after line of nobody loves me, everybody hates me, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, nobody loves me, everybody like and it was like, no wonder why I was fucking hard on myself and why I didn't love myself. But like I programmed that shit in there, and then I looked at all the report cards from grade school and even high school. And while there were a lot of D's and Fs there, and I used to focus on that when I started to read the comments of what the teachers were saying to my parents of like, he's a lovely kid, he's really bright and intuitive, he's just not focused in this area, this, like, you know, like it was a really kind of powerful thing of recognizing of like, maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. Maybe I, you know, like it was it gave me a sense of like, all right, what I perceived I thought was isn't necessarily what reality was at the time, like what others saw. What I felt wasn't necessarily a reflection of what was actually going around. It was just what I was feeling, but it didn't necessarily mean what was like, I wasn't a bad kid. I wasn't like, you know, like, yeah, I didn't do well in that kind of in that kind of classroom setting. But when I found cooking, that was how my brain operated. I saw everything through the lens of cooking, through that. And then like studying became easier, learning became way easier because I had to find my mechanism of how my brain works to interpret information, to interpret life, to see it through the lens that makes sense for me. And the thing is, I know that my lens won't make sense for you, Corey, or it won't make sense for my wife, or for other guys, but it'll make you have to find your own lens. And it once again, that comes down to relationship with self. That's you developing that lens. Marcus Aurelius and the Stoics talk about this kind of lens. It's developing that lens of what you're seeing and choosing how you wish to see it, right? Like you get to create whether this scenario is a bad scenario or a good scenario. That's all on you because the scenario is just a scenario, it's just a thing that's happening. And it's your choosing to give it weight of positive or negative emotions or no emotion at all. That's all on you. And that's how you get to become the author or co-author of your story. You get to create it like, because when I was a kid, I always thought I wanted to be a superhero. And in a way, I have my own kind of perception. I think I am a superhero. Like, because my like I wanted to save the world. So let me define world for me as the people I interact with. The the planet Earth is a huge ass planet. But like my world, the people I interact with, the you know, thousand odd, two thousand odd people that I'll interact with in my entire lifetime, maybe more, but you know what I mean, of like the actual interactions that you have. And if I can leave a positive impact, if I can help them, then I'm a hero. I've accomplished the goal.

SPEAKER_00: 53:26

Well, and even pushing that out farther, right? I mean, who says that you have to change the world tomorrow? Right? Like maybe you're making changes like the ripple effect, maybe you're making changes today that in generations from now, like people look back and they read your writings, they read your journals, right? And they're like uh just mind-blowing sort of thing. So I love that. That more and more I'm finding the older that I get, and I struggled with the I've always struggled with journaling, right? Finding the purpose in it, the meaning, like I just don't know. But to your point, I mean, so often now I'm finding myself, and it's the the relationship is getting much better. But from what I have done, like I really enjoy and pull value from looking back at those different times in my life to exactly your point, to recognizing patterns, right, mindsets that I was in, and really being able to see over time how you know, maybe the situ similar situations show up, but my thought changes along the way about that situation and how that changes the downstream effects of everything else, right? It changes my emotions and my actions and how I show up differently in life. And so much of that is I can see in my journaling of how having a different mindset and thought about those sort of things has completely changed everything. So I'm I'm curious for you, right? As you've kind of over time, I I picture it like almost focused your lens, right? And and a part of that was, I imagine, was your sobriety and starting on this journey and things like that. How do you feel like you know, that focusing that that lens around sobriety and stuff has changed your life?

SPEAKER_01: 55:13

Yeah, so it was probably the big, the biggest kind of like change, like the biggest kind of transformational change came with getting sober because up to that point. So at 15, when I was like, all right, I'm going full in on cooking, I was taking medication, but I had a really bad relationship with with my Ritalin medication. I won't go into all the details of it, but it was not a really healthy relationship I was having with the medication. So when I found cooking, I'm like, okay, cool, I can get, I can find a way to do this without without medication. Because I was told, like, by the time I'm 18, ADHD goes away. Like, like, this will all just disappear. That was not the case. This is something that you you live with your whole entire life. You are a Linux brain. You you think and operate in a different brain chemistry, everything operates differently. So in order to handle it, it turned to alcohol, I turned to drugs, I turned to other things to try to deal with the inside, inside hole. And once I got sober and was able to kind of step away from the alcohol, from the drugs, it allowed me to kind of start to see where like I had to change the identity of what I thought a chef was. It came down to I had read Anthony Bourdain's kitchen confidential when I was like 18 years old, and apparently just blew past the part of where he talks about his cocaine addiction, just like seemed to like gloss over that part of it. But like, black blacked out, blacked out that part of it, but like the whole like you're a badass, like you know, like you're like you work hard and everything else, you're a manly man, all right. Like, and it was all this bravado and ego. And it was only when I was able to get radically honest, start taking the steps, and then then sobriety, like I said, was the first step into it. Like, I'm really grateful for getting arrested. Like, like I'm really grateful for that opportunity. Now, at the time, I was like cursing, like, cursing the world of like, what the fuck are you doing to me? And I like had legitimately thought of like, okay, we're just gonna do this until we can beat the like the charges and then we can go back to exactly how we're gonna do it. And you know, I realized when I was in front of the judge, a judge hears bullshit every single day, right? Most people given excuses given like this. So, what's the way that makes me stand out? Let's try being honest. And so mind blowing, right? Like, like instead of bullshitting people, try honesty. And it was just that first, like open the door of that honesty, allowed everything else to kind of fall into place. And funny enough, so like towards the last kind of thing I had to do for the court, there was a signature I missed on the community service and something. And instead of like thinking, oh no, it's them, they fucked up. I was like, all right, cool, that's my bad limit. Can I solve it in a few hours and come back and get it signed? She said, if you get signed by the end of the day, we'll get everything expunged off your record. So everything removed off my record because I was honest. And so, like, sobriety taught me about honesty and like how do you change? This is something I learned and from my sponsor the how, the who and how of change. Honesty, openness, willingness. And who changes? People are who are willing, honest, and open. So it starts with those qualities. So you have to be honest, you have to start with honesty, honest of like exactly where you're at. No judgment on it, but exactly where you're at. What are the facts on the ground? Not what you perceive the facts to be, but what are the honest facts? And then like, what are you willing to do? Like, are you open to change? Are you open? Are you like open to a new idea? Because if you're not open, you can be honest as much as you want, but if you're not open to actually changing anything, nothing's gonna change. And then are you willing, right? I think the most key thing there, right? Willing. What are you willing to do? What actions are you willing to take? What sacrifice? What things are are you willing to do? Because if you're not willing to do much, you're not gonna get much. But if you're willing to take big, big steps, you'll get so much more out of life.

SPEAKER_00: 59:16

Absolutely. It's so true with everything in life that there's this once you, I feel like, yeah, and sometimes I kind of describe it as uh a backpack full of rocks, right? That were like dragging this anchor around. Like once you decide to there was this picture too. I remember, you know, I don't remember where it was, uh a coach or somebody. It's like a tug of war with a gorilla sort of thing, right? That it was like, how how do you win a tug of war with a dinosaur? That's what it was. They would love to be hearing this right now. But this tug of war with this dinosaur, you know, and this dinosaur is like trying to pull you across this canyon. Like, how do you win tug of war with a dinosaur? You just let go of the fucking rope, right? You're never going to win tug of war with that, but once you let Set those things down, you know, and decide to take action on it, maybe in a different way. And that's kind of what it is. Like you can sit there and pull on that rope, you know, forever, indefinitely, and you're never going to necessarily win. But when you decide to just let go of the rope and take action in a different direction, then everything just opens up, you know. And I see it almost as like an out-of-body experience, right? That there's a part of yourself that stays there, tugging on that rope. And then you're actually able to like remove yourself, step aside, and then walk up and kind of look at that part of yourself and be like, what are we doing, dude? Like, let's let's go. And it's not until you take that action that that things really start to change. And I've seen that time and time again for myself and and other men as well. So I'm it's go ahead.

SPEAKER_01: 1:00:52

No, I was gonna say it's the power, it's the it's kind of the uh the the paradoxical thing of surrender, right? Of the power of surrender. When you surrender, you actually win. When it's learning how to completely let go and walk away, it's not failing, it's not giving up, it's surrendering. It's saying, boom, okay, I dropped the rope. I can now walk away and go on another path. I don't have to continue this fight with the dinosaur, I don't have to do tug of war. I can do something else and take another action. And it's that letting go and that complete surrender is it it's profound because people think, oh, I surrender, I've lost. Yeah, you lost. So what? Move on, you're still alive. You can move on to the next thing. You go to round two, you know?

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:39

Well, and even then it's it's actually being the captain of your ship, right? As we talked about, like you made a choice to put down the rope and to do something different. And I and I picture this like argument with somebody that's yelling at you, and they're just like, pick up the rope, pick up the rope, and you're like, No, I'm not doing it. I'm not picking up the rope, like I'm not giving in to that sort of thing. And there's going back to that, like, there is such power in that to actually put you know, set those sort sort of things aside and continue on. So yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. So I'm I'm curious, right, as as you've navigated this with yourself and with other men and just other men that you work with, what are some of the the tools that you suggest to men in this arena, right? Just, you know, men with ADHD, but just kind of men in general that are navigating this journey of self-discovery.

SPEAKER_01: 1:02:41

So I think it comes back to kind of a few of a few of the things that I was talking about earlier. The the who and how, right? Like if you're willing, if you want to change, right? It takes honesty, openness, willingness, right? Like we can talk about physical tools, but I think it's really is talking about the mental tools of surrender, of learning, looking at the spiritual side of it. And I mean spiritual is like, oh, like we're gonna do meditation and Buddha thing. It's more of the core moral value choices and decisions that you make, right? This comes back down to the maturity of like recognizing, as you said, the power of choice, recognizing what you choose to do. Because no one makes you do anything, right? Like, oh, you made me do that. I made you like no, like you have to recognize where your choice, what you chose to do, and taking responsibility with it first and foremost. So I I think anyone who's on uh who's like on the path of self-discovery or like self-love, it starts with honesty, being honest with yourself, being open, being willing. And then, you know, it comes to maturity, and I think really nurturing, like learning how to be like to give yourself a hug, like and just be like, hey, I'm okay. Like you're still alive, like we're living in the best time to be a human right now in history, right? Like we have this ability where you're on one side of the world, I'm on the other side of the world, and we can have this conversation, right? Like as much as it can isolate us, like there are you know physical tools, but it's the mental and spiritual tools that you can find in honesty, openness, willingness, uh, maturity, assertiveness, nurturing, and understanding, right? Like learning how to be open and understanding of where you're at, where others are at, and being okay, learning how to be okay with not being okay. Like, hey, I don't like my current situation. Like my internal world is really strong right now. Part of my external world right now, not the strongest, right? Like, definitely still a lot of struggle. Definitely like things that we're trying to overcome. But I don't allow that to affect the internal internal world. You know, happiness is an inside job. Like, I stopped trying to take outside things to fill the inside hole. Once I started to fill there first and foremost, I can live in tough situations and make it through it and still have a smile on my face. I can still go through challenges that would break most people, break most men. Like, and I can walk through them because I have the sense of self. And that's where I think anyone who wants to start this journey, like I said before, it's not an external journey. It's the internal journey from the head, because you know it. We all know this, right? We've all heard this stuff before. You can find it in any kind of cliche, like self-help book. Uh a lot of it's the same kind of stuff over and over again, but you need to go from the head to the heart and the power of belief, of what you true, truly want to believe in. We believed in Santa Claus when you're a kid, so why don't you put like a tenth of that belief into yourself?

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:45

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:45

Right? Like you know, like conviction.

SPEAKER_00: 1:05:48

They're like, no, no, I know for sure that he exists. There's a North Pole, he brings presents, like yeah.

SPEAKER_01: 1:05:54

Exactly. And to have that level of belief and conviction in yourself, in what you want to accomplish, what you want to do, right? Like it's almost hard to get to that level of conviction again. But when you can, when you have that kind of belief, nothing stops you. Yeah, there are obstacles along the way, but they're just obstacles. There are things to be overcome, they're challenges, they're lessons. And it's learning how to reframe life as lessons that life is teaching you. Not it's life is happening for you, not to you. Life is happening for your benefit. Yeah. Not not to punish you, not to be angry at you. Life doesn't care. The universe doesn't give a shit about you. Like it's once again your perception of how you choose to view those scenarios that happen to you.

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:41

Absolutely. So much gold in there, man. I love that. Well, hey, Dave, this conversation has been awesome. How can how can men or just anybody that that really wants to connect with you and follow who it is that you are and what what is it you're doing? What's the best way to get a hold of you?

SPEAKER_01: 1:06:57

Yeah, so best way to get a hold of me is you can find me on all the social medias at the spiritual gentleman. And I invite any men to come join us at the League of Spiritual Gentlemen on school. I'll send you on the link and I'll I'll pass on Corey all the links and everything. You can also email me at thespiritual gentleman at gmail.com.

SPEAKER_00: 1:07:18

Sounds good. Well, hey, again, Dave Man, this has been an awesome conversation. Really just getting to know you, who it is that you are, and what do you believe in? I think now, you know, as we were talking about earlier, I think now more than ever that this is something that men really need, just a sense of community and connection and kind of like a tribe and a brotherhood, doing life together and not alone, right? I because as we pointed out in this conversation, I think, and and something that I've heard often, right? It's this what is it? If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together, sort of thing. And I think that is similar in in life and what we're doing here. So yeah. Thanks again, Dave, and we'll chat soon.

SPEAKER_01: 1:07:57

Yeah, no, thank you so much. Yeah, it's all about find your tribe from your brotherhood or find your leak.

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:03

There you go. I love it. All right, man. Have a good one. Hey, before you go, this podcast is just the surface. The real work happens inside the Evolve Men Brotherhood. This is our private community of men committed to leading themselves boldly, building confidence, and sharpening one another in the fire. Registration officially opens December 1st, and we kick off our Brotherhood calls together beginning in January 2026. But you can get on the list today and be the first to claim your spot. If you're tired of going to life alone and you're ready for true accountability, support, and connection with men who get it, head to Evolvmen Project.comslash Brotherhood. Don't just listen, step into the Brotherhood. I'll see you inside.